A Change of Heart
by Sorrow has a Human Heart
Summary: Mikasa thought she had Levi pegged. She knew nothing. As the defeated Survey Corps returns to Karanese, she makes a vow to right the wrong. (Mild Levi X Mikasa implications)


**Disclaimer: Shingeki no Kyojin isn't mine. But, since it's stolen my soul for the time being, I may be spewing out ficlets and such. No copyright infringement intended. **

* * *

**A Change of Heart**

* * *

He was an arrogant, cruel, sadistic, vertically-challenged bastard, and she was going to be on the look-out for the next possible opportunity to repay him for what he'd done to Eren. She was going to humiliate him; show him exactly how she (and surely, Eren) had felt when he'd pummeled him in front of the military tribunal. He was going to find out exactly what it was like to have the ever-loving shit beat out of him while anchored to a pole, completely defenseless.

That's what Mikasa had thought of the Survey Corps' renowned Captain Levi…until now.

The 57th Expedition had taught her a painful lesson. Up until their defeat, she'd believed she had a secure grip on how the world really worked, and was fully confident that she was at least a half-way decent judge of character. The trip back, once they rid themselves of their titan pursuers, now provided more than enough of an opportunity to reconsider that, along with her perception of Levi.

Levi, who'd ultimately sacrificed his whole squad for Eren's sake; who'd gone well beyond merely assisting her in saving him from the female titan. He'd fought ruthlessly, disabling her in minutes. Because of him, Eren was present and alive….and so was she, Mikasa had to admit. Disobeying his orders to go in for the kill had been a grave, stupid mistake on her part, and if Levi hadn't physically stopped her, she probably would have wound up splattered against a tree, just like so many others had that day.

Just like his squad…

From a distance, Mikasa had watched Levi kneel beside his deceased comrades and collect one of their Survey Corps badges, a solemnity on his face that seemed almost alien in comparison to his normal, chilly disinterest. A while afterward, he'd ordered those bodies to be discarded, to slow the titans that were after them—pursuers that would have never appeared in so great a number if not for the foolishness of a few grieving men who'd gone to retrieve a body of a friend they'd been very specifically ordered to leave behind. Once they'd stopped to get their bearings, and she'd guessed that Levi was going to rip him apart, he'd instead handed over the badge he'd saved, consoling the man for his loss.

Looking back, she was having some very serious second thoughts about that day in court.

"_No, there's nothing to get even for, is there? Even when he beat Eren to a pulp, Levi was only protecting him from people who wanted him dead…He's done nothing but protect Eren, even when I insulted him for failing to."_

What could she do or say now? She felt powerless. There was no bringing back Squad Levi, and no one could ever properly replace them—at least, not as the precious friends they'd probably become to him. She could approach him and apologize for her foolishness, but what would that accomplish, but to add more salt to his wounds? Her mind had gone nuts before, devising all kinds of ways to punish him for his violence against Eren. It had been easy. Too easy. Now that she had to try to think of how to repay Levi for his help and much unexpected compassion, Mikasa was at a loss. She knew what it meant to lose so many dear to her in such a short time, and had no trouble conceiving of what he might be feeling for it, although he hid the severity of it so, so well.

There was no comfort for that kind of pain. All she could ever do was move on—or, pretend to move on. Mikasa realized now that she was extraordinarily bad at it, and she dared not expect anyone, even Levi, to do much better. How could they? Cruel as the world was, accepting loss after loss after loss was never natural for anyone, no matter how much they all tried to act like it was.

It twisted them, like the knot in her stomach when she thought of what might become of Eren. It was time to be brutally honest with herself: Her protective watch over him had grown possessive and damn near perverse. Losing her family, and then his, had turned her care for her adoptive brother into some kind of bizarre co-dependent obsession. An obsession that had momentarily led her to be more concerned with punishing and killing the female titan for taking him in the first place than with getting the hell out of the forest once she and Levi had retrieved him.

Or, more honestly, once Levi had retrieved him.

Mikasa's head swam. Her guilt aside, how would Levi respond to all of this? The loss, the injury? Of course, he must have been through this kind of thing before. Being a leader of his caliber in the Survey Corps practically guaranteed it, but this was just too much.

Shouldn't it have been her? Shouldn't she have been the one who sacrificed for her family, and not Levi, or anyone else? Morbidly, her mind drifted to ideas of who might have died in Squad Levi's stead. Who would it have been? Armin? Jean? Sasha? Connie? Mikasa pictured their bodies, rolling out the back of the cart instead, and her chest grew tight. She bit down on her tongue for a moment to hold back the tears, the screams, and whatever other madness dealing with that kind of bereavement yet again would offer her.

The weight of Levi's leadership was heavy—so, so oppressively heavy, but all too easy to imagine and for a brief, fleeting moment, feel for herself.

As they pulled into Karanese to the stares, whispers, and jeers of the townspeople, Mikasa heard herself tell an angry, shocked Eren to bear with it for now, knowing that she was pacifying herself just as much as him.

Ahead, a slightly rotund man approached Levi, saying something about his daughter, Petra, who had been in his squad. Something about wanting to devote her life to him, but being so young, and having her life ahead of her…

Mikasa bowed her head, and did her best not to hear any more. From this point forth, she was going to be on the look-out for the next possible opportunity to repay Levi for what he'd done for her and Eren. Someone had to have his back, and although she felt grossly inadequate at the moment, Mikasa decided that it had to be her.

If Eren and Armin decided to join her, that would be great, but all in all, it had to be her.

"_It could take me a life-time…I can't replace them, but I'm stronger. I have to be stronger, both for you and Eren. You won't lose again. Never."_


End file.
